Top 10 Things Not to say to Anyone About Anything Ever
Good effing grief. Every article on the Internet is a top 10 list. Or maybe top 22. Or top 7. Pretty much whatever the lazy writer can come up with becomes the size of the list. And you know what sucks? Those are the only things I read online. Because I, too, am just that lazy. I read two or three into the list, and then I get distracted. Let’s see how far you get into my list!
1) Never say anything to anyone who has ever had a baby. Nothing nice, nothing mean. NOTHING.
2) Never say anything to anyone who will never have a baby. Don’t tell them to adopt. Don’t tell them you’re ok with it. Just hush.
3) Oh, and don’t talk about how you don’t want kids or make fake pregnancy jokes because you may offend someone who decided to make your snide comment about herself. Some women struggle to get pregnant, and a fake pregnancy posts stops them from ovulating.
4) And don’t even think of trying to talk to someone who suffers from an illness. You will say the wrong thing, and it will make their illness even worse. Science.
5) Never talk to a curly-haired woman about her hair. You fucking monster.
6) Don’t speak to anyone who has recently lost a loved one. Don’t tell them time heals or offer any sort of support. Shut your fucking cake hole, you unfeeling whore. And don’t even think of ignoring them! What is wrong with you? You’re a hate-filled sociopath, that’s what’s wrong with you!
7) Under NO circumstances can you talk to a working mom about being a working mom. (You didn’t listen to #1, did you?)
8) And for the love of all things holy, don’t speak to a stay-at-home mom about being a stay-at-home mom. WHY DID YOU IGNORE #1 AGAIN?
9) Do NOT say anything positive, negative, or neutral to your spouse. Not even “I do”. Just blink at him once a week.
10) Lastly, never say anything ever to anyone about anything because you don’t know anything about anyone. You filthy old cooze.
We can all agree that it’s annoying when people say things that are rude or just plain out of touch. But most of these stupid lists tell well-intentioned people that they are not allowed to say well-intentioned things. Listen here, idiots: If you can’t tell the difference between someone who means well and someone who is an asshole, then that’s on you. Quit taking offense to anything and everything. How many times do I have to tell you to thicken your damn skin?
Hi! Remember me? I used to write stuff here more frequently? I really have no excuse when my posts lag, but I still feel the need to address it. I guess I do work more these days, and that translates into having to exercise more so I don’t murder someone, so if you want an excuse, there it is. I know what you’re thinking: Why don’t you just take up drinking? If only my liver were on board with that.
Today, I’m trying something new! Click-bating! I write a title that pulls people in because they just can’t possibly go on without knowing what happened. It’s all over the Internet. Since original thought has been killed and buried, you’ll see many an article titled this way. And don’t even say it! I’m not doing the same thing here; I’m mocking it.
Did it work? Are you new to this Tumblr? I may have to try this more often. My husband tells me to put the words “Boobs & Porn” in the title, but that may draw a different class of folk.
I guess this rant isn’t chick-specific. Rather, it’s a rant against the media. Remember the local news? It’s a punchline now. They actually say “According to people on Twitter” as an intro to a story. When I hear about young people wanting to go into journalism or broadcasting, I wonder how they haven’t noticed that both are dead. There is no impartial news out there. Our president is either a Kenyan criminal or the Messiah. And nothing in between. With so many other options out there for information, everyone who writes feels the need to make a nothing story into something outrageous.
I once wrote about how the media tries to make stories out of nothing, and friend of a friend said I was no better because I’m doing the same thing. Except! I’m not the media. I’m just a chick who updates a Tumblr account.
Before I get on with the next installment, I wanted to react/respond to all the new traffic being driven to my ramblings. For the most part, the people who read this know me in real life. But after a few entries about kidlessness, I’ve been getting lots of new eyeballs on this blog. Shucks! And welcome! However, I have a confession. Yes, I have DISQUS on this site to enable comments, but *long pause* I won’t read them. I have no tolerance for comment section vitriol, and about 99% of the things people respond with are just to tell the writer why he/she is wrong or why he/she should die a slow, lonesome death. I can see the first line of a reblog from someone who wrote something like “Here’s why you should care about the word childfree vs. childless”. For real? Did I not say in my last blog that you are not to waste your keystrokes on that subject? Did I not preemptively tell you to stuff it? Bah. I know not reading and responding to comments is no way to build a following, but this blog isn’t my day job, and it never will be.
So I link this to my personal Facebook, and I respond to the comments made by people I know in real life. And if I don’t know you in real life? Well nice to meet you, and I’m happy you’re reading. But I’m not 20; I’m 37. What does that mean? Like Judge Judy says, I’m cooked. My opinions are formed, and you won’t change them. If you’re here to appeal to my compassionate side, please first try appealing to Big Foot, the Locke Ness Monster, or that guy who woke up in a tub of ice with his kidney missing.
(None of those things exist.) Blogging onward…
Childfree Bingo. It’s a thing. Thanks to KidfreeAndLovinIt.com for the Bingo card!
"Who will take care of you when you’re older?"
It’s the response I hear most frequently and by a large margin. My response?
Look here, you deluded pain in the ass: You didn’t have kids for the eldercare. No one did. This isn’t 1873 when you had to spawn yourself a son to till the fields when your husband’s back gives out. Granted, as someone who has never wanted one, I have no idea why anyone has kids. I can only assume you did so to have a little extension of yourself to mold. Or maybe because you wanted something to do with your time. Or maybe you didn’t mean to have one at all. Who knows. But I guarantee you didn’t wake up one day and say “I’m going to need someone to change my Poise pad when I’m older. I better make a baby.”
I’d also like to point out that there are these places called “Nursing Homes”. They are filled with elderly people who require hands-on care. And these people have kids. Grown kids. Grown kids who are not taking care of them. Some of you reading this may have parents who receive care that you are not currently providing. Or funding! Your argument is invalid.
If you don’t understand why I don’t want kids, that’s ok. It’s ok! If it makes you uncomfortable because you don’t have a response when I tell you I’m not having any, that’s ok too. But do not come at me with your sloppy logic.
I’ve had to add to this post after it was initially completed. After my first anti-kid post about how people won’t get off my damn back about not wanting kids, a lot of my mom friends pointed out that if I did have kids, idiots would still find something else to be on my case about. Good point. It’s nice to know that if I did have a kid, other moms who hardly know me would tell me I’m doing it all wrong. So when you hear something completely boneheaded like “Have a kid to take care of you!” or “Having an only child makes you a monster!”, let it serve as a gentle reminder to be a little less douchey to others.