I can’t put the proper title atop this blog because I intend to post it on Facebook for my friends to see, and I have a few cousins under the age of 16 that need not see it. (I’m trusting they don’t click on my links.) So now that you’re safely here in Tumblr, I can divulge the name:
There are a few words and phrases out there that clearly reveal a cunt’s colors, so I thought I might gather them all in one spot for ease of use. Not a dictionary; a cuntionary, if you will. Some of them I’ve spoken of, and some of them may be new to you. But if you don’t speak fluent cunt, this guide might be a useful tool.
Just sayin’: This translates literally to “I’m a giant cunt.” It’s often used following a statement of opinion that the writer (Not speaker! Almost never speaker) is conveying via Internet comment or social media site. Its cuntiness derives from the fact that once you’ve said something, you don’t need to say you’ve just said. So when you see “just sayin”, simply read it as “I’m a giant cunt” and all will make sense.
Um: This is also mostly just in the written form. When spoken, “um” is a filler word. It’s used when the speaker is killing time/silence while trying to produce the next word or point. And that’s exactly where its cuntiness derives. When writing, one doesn’t need to use filler words while waiting to think of the next word to type. You just stop typing. I did it just now to send a text to my boyfriend about writing a cuntionary. Please include an extra cunt point for each additional “m”. Ummm, just sayin’.
Just so you know: This one is spoken as often as it is written. Just like its cunt-cousin “just sayin”, one doesn’t need to preface anything by telling the listener/reader that they are telling them something just so they’ll know. Would anyone tell someone something just so they wouldn’t know? My head hurts.
Must be nice: The translation of this one is “Though what you just said actually isn’t unfair, I feel like it is, and I’m jealous.” A real-world application goes something like this: “You don’t have any student loans because your parents put you through college? Must be nice.” Yup. It is pretty fuckin’ nice (which is my canned answer). If someone has ever bought you a car, you’ve probably heard this one twice today alone. Same if your parents ever take your children on vacation for two weeks in the summer to give you and your husband some couple time.
You’ve got a lot of time on your hands: What this really means is “I would never spend my time, which is far more precious and important than your time, doing what you just did with your time.” This is another one derived from jealousy. From craft projects to writing this blog, I personally hear this now and again. Proper responses range from “I guess I’m just a better time manager than you. Let me know if you’d like some tips” to “Nope, not a lot of time on my hands. I have the same 24 hours that you have; apparently I better utilize them.”
Here’s hoping I’ve equipped you to better spot cuntspeak in your daily life. And please, don’t let these cranky broads get away with this shit. Retort! If my canned answers are a little windy for you, I suggest you channel your inner Alison Rosen and quickly reply with “Zip it, cunt!”