Do you ever find yourself listening to hideous rap music and thinking “Holy shit, this illiterate-sounding fool is right!!”? It happened to me. Don’t tell anyone; I’m kind of embarrassed about it. Anyhow, the chorus of the song was “Oh, you fancy huh”. And the lyrics I agreed with went as follows:
Hit the gym step on the scales stare at the number
You say you dropping 10 pounds preparing for summer
And you don’t do it for the man, men never notice
I get it. I’ve been there. There’s hardly a chick alive who has never had body image issues. I had them for a good 30 years. And now I don’t. But it took actually getting fat and then getting unfat before I ever came to appreciate the body that God and Dr. Wingate gave me. My past body issues aren’t the topic of this blog, but encouraging chicks to stop being so down on themselves about how they look is. Why? Because the man in your life who is lucky enough to see you naked doesn’t like it.
It’s not that your husband or boyfriend is tired of your pissing and moaning (he is); it’s that he doesn’t get it. Allow me to recap a conversation I had with a real-live BDMG about how he and his wife only have sex once a quarter:
Me: “Is it safe to say your wife isn’t happy with her body?”
Him: “Yes, that is safe to say.”
Me: “And is it a fair statement that she feels worse about her body now that she’s had a baby?”
Him: “That is a fair statement.”
Me: “Is it also fair to say that if your wife walked in the room naked, you’d kick a puppy if it got in the way of you mounting her?”
Him: “That is accurate, yes.”
Me: “Maybe you need to repeat this conversation to her verbatim.”
There may be the occasional asshole that gives his wife shit because of her weight. There are guys like this out there, and stupid chicks marry them. But we’re not talking about them. We’re talking about the guy who actually likes his wife. And when you talk about all your fatness in front of him, it makes him feel uncomfortable. There is no safe response for him to make when you tell him you hate your body. And if he encourages you to lose some weight, I guarantee it’s not because he doesn’t like the way you look; He thinks that if you lost a few pounds, you’d let him see you naked more often. Fact.
My friend recently told me how after spending a week traveling with her mom, she realized her mom’s unhappiness with her weight was the background noise of her childhood. She said she makes sure to never complain about her body in front of her husband or daughters. Good advice. Then I asked, “Do you think your husband would care if you put on an extra 20 lbs?” And she quickly said, “Doubt it.” And then we laughed. Ah, men. You’re so simple.
A lot of getting over the fat-girl mindset is growing up. If you’re in your 30s and still complaining about being fat, shut up already. I believe getting fat/staying fat is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I feel like I believed that about myself for so long that it finally came true. So seriously, right now, commit to never again say that you are fat. Say it! Dammit, say it…
Ugh! I wrote this whole thing out and was ready to post it. Then I thought that some chick out there might read this and say, “But I really AM fat, witty-blogger-lady! I can’t say I’m not.” I only have two things to say to that: 1) Shut up. 2) I kinda want to punch you.
People have told me that marriage is hard. But ya know something? I don’t think it’s supposed to be. And if yours is, maybe you’re making it hard.
Allow me to present a term my friend, Jessica, coined: BDMG. We were talking about this guy she worked with, and someone asked if he was attractive. That’s when Jess answered, “Eh, he’s got that beat-down, married guy look.” And with that sentence, gold was struck.
The quintessential BDMG is married with young kids and has sex about once a month. His wife is always pissed at him. If he works late, she’s pissed that he doesn’t spend enough time with his kids. If he prefers spending time with his kids to hard work, then she’s pissed that he doesn’t make enough money. When she’s exhausted and needs his help with the kids, she won’t ask for it. Then she’ll be pissed that he doesn’t help her. She’ll pick fights with him over laundry, the kids, money, anything. And to punish him, she doesn’t have sex with him. He has no idea why.
Sound complicated? Allow me to simplify: A chick stands before her friends, family, and God and vows to love, honor, and cherish her future husband. A few years down the road, she’s having a throw-down, drag em’ out screaming fit with him because he put the ketchup back in the wrong spot in the fridge.
I read a book by Donna Antebi called “The Real Secrets Women Only Whisper”. The book kinda sucked, but she made a valid point: Give your husband a break. Take 30 seconds to pick up his socks rather than 5 minutes to beat him down about them.
‘Cuz while you, Mrs. BDMG, are busy beatin’ the life out of him, guess who isn’t? The new chick at work. She laughs at his jokes. She never nags him about anything. She doesn’t understand why you don’t appreciate him, and she tells him so. And if you don’t stop beating down your married guy, she will be glad to sleep with him more than once a month. If he ever thought about cheating, you could be one good fight-about-condiments away from pushing him into this tramp’s bed.
Now if you want to start with me and say that men suck, your husband beats you, cheats on you, or is hooked on some sort of substance, I’m not talking about you. And FYI, you should probably get out of that before I start calling you stupid. But if your husband is kind to you, loves your kids, and does his best to provide, then stop jumping his shit for stupid reasons. Let him go have a beer with friends once in awhile without being pissed about it. Forget about how he loaded the dishwasher wrong. And for the love of all things, have sex with him more than once a month.
Another thing I applaud Antebi for is telling women to stay married. I like to tell my friends who bitch about their husbands that if being married to him is bad, being divorced from him will be worse. First he was the guy who didn’t do the yard work or spend enough time with you; now he’s the guy who sees his kids two weekends a month and isn’t paying enough child support. Oh, and that new girl from work? She sleeps over when your kids are there. Willing to overlook the messy yard now?
So if you’re the stupid chick who is always bitching at him or bitching about him, knock it off. They don’t like it, and I don’t like hearing about it (from you or from your husband). Appreciate what you have. Maybe even do something nice for him. Men are so easy to please that it’s almost funny. And if you don’t believe me, believe Dave Chappelle at the 2:30 mark: