I should apologize for being so inconsistent with my posting. But I won’t. I mean really, who does it hurt when I post so infrequently?
That being said, I will share a story that happened over the Christmas season that gave my friends and I a chuckle. And it has to do with that fucking Elf on the Shelf.
A friend of mine stated on Facebook that it’d be nice if there was a “Hide the Elf on the Shelf” option in her news feed. She wasn’t rude about it, nor did she say it in an asshole-ish way like I would. In fact, she said it just like this:
“Is there a way to block Elf on the Shelf updates? What happened to sitting on Santa’s knee at the mall and being good in December because Santa was supposedly watching and not some plastic creepy looking doll?”
Most people who responded agreed. But there was one mom friend who was just fucking clueless. Her response:
“Well my kids love it and I love how my kids love it :) It’s really cool to see them super excited everyday :) But you shouldn’t be able to see anymore of these pics from me :) Looks like you should be able to block people by un-selecting ‘show on news feed’ in their profiles if you don’t wanna see others too. Hope that helps! :)” (sic)
Where to start? The four – count em’, four – passive aggressive smiley faces? (This broad has a little work to do in the passive-aggressive department. But most of us know that is a skill perfected by the mothers of adult children.) The way she is telling my friend to block her if she doesn’t like seeing Elf on the Shelf pictures? The sickly sweet “Hope that helps!” at the end of her rant disguised as a helpful tip? This chick is fucking with me, yes? Because if not, the only other reason she’d tell my friend to block her is because she took the comment about Elf posts personally. She took it as pointed comment that told her “I no longer want to see what you have to say about your kids. Ever.”
Ladies, you need to see the difference. Everything said on the Internet about kids being annoying is not aimed at you and your family. We make generalizations. I do it here all the time. I’m guessing chick stupidity follows the 80/20 rule. And here’s hoping just 20% of chicks are stupid and not the other way around. Everything people say isn’t about you. Scratch that…there is no “you”. There is only your kid now. But rest assured, we are all on planet Earth, and we’re all rotating around the sun. You may have made the decision to revolve around your kid, but the entire Facebook community did not and is not. True story.
My friend politely (what is that, a super power?) responded:
“I’m not blocking you, ya’ nut!!!”
Which is kinder than what I wanted to say:
“Way to make every generalization about you and your kid, you self-centered fucking weirdo.”
I want to brag that a mutual friend and mother of two spent the next couple days sending my friend and I pictures of her Elf drinking booze and shitting chocolate. She gets us. And she wins the Internet.
My last blog got a lot of feedback. And as long as it’s not rude or nasty, I welcome it. It was a blog about moms losing their identity to being only “Mommy”. I wish I could get over this topic, but unless I plan on never reading Facebook or logging into Twitter (follow me! @kerryvent), then I’ll never escape being annoyed by it.
The funny thing is that all of the comments agreed with me. It went one of two ways:
1) I agree, and it’s ridiculous.
2) I agree, and I’m here to defend it and/or provide reasons why.
But I like when people agree, so we’ll leave it at that. That being said, it inspired me to write about something else that I think may stir a discussion. Per usual, I’m too much of a pussy to write about a lot of things. BUT! A nice, wise man by the name of Dennis Prager said something recently that I’ve been saying since my 20s. And since Prager politely states things in a manner of which I’m not capable, I’m going to suggest you direct any angry comments to him. He’s got a huge following. I just have the 10 friends who read this tumblr.
Prager was in town with Adam Carolla discussing everything from politics to religion to family. On the topic of women, he brought up how today’s woman is told she can have it all. And there aren’t a lot of women who believe otherwise because we’ve been indoctrinated with this noise for ages. Yes, a woman can have a great career. She can be an exceptional mother. She can manage to take time for herself, keep active & fit, and have a great circle of supportive friends. After a hard day’s work, she can keep a house and make home-cooked meals for her kids every night. And if she is doing all this, does that mean she has it all? Supermom and corporate-ladder-climber?
Not quite. The talk about “having it all” has been reduced to kids & career. And as Prager put it, the role of wife isn’t even on the list. I know what I’m about to say may be hard to swallow for women whose worlds are currently revolving around kids. It’s not popular. It’s anti-feminist. But it’s the truth: Your marriage should come first. *gasp* Yes, I just suggested your kids not come first. And if you are a Christian, you should put God first, your marriage second, and your kids third. Yes, not only are your kids not first, they’re third. THIRD.
I heard a comedian say that it’s almost evolutionary. Once wife becomes mom, she’s done with being wife. Wish I could remember who said that.
I’m not suggesting you not work. I’m not suggesting you not have kids. (OK, maybe. Having kids sounds horrible.) I’m suggesting you remember that the other person who lives in the house with you is not your roommate. It’s a person to whom you made promises and took vows.
I lot of my married-with-kids friends seem so much happier after realizing that they need to take time out for their marriage. One friend told me finding a trusted babysitter made a world of difference. Now it meant she and her husband could go out for dinner and drinks once in a while. Sometimes mom and dad need a little time to remember why they wanted to make those kids in the first place.
Hmmm. Sometimes I read what I wrote and think of how those who disagree will respond. And all I can think is that some women will say “Yeah, but what if my husband sucks?”
To quote Judge Judy: “You picked him!”
I once wrote a blog about my hatred of the word “mommy”, and I never posted it because I’m a pussy. But then someone else wrote an article about how society is putting the “mommy” title on women, and that it ain’t cool to do so. But bullshit. Society isn’t calling moms “mommies”: Moms call themselves that. And it makes me want to yack.
(The article. I can’t tell if I’m agreeing with her or not.)
I believe this is a trend specific to the Gen X mom. The jury is still out on you, Gen Y. My point is that my own Baby Boomer mother and her friends didn’t engage in the annoying trend of calling oneself mommy. Here’s a small sampling of what annoys me:
Gen X Mom refers to herself as “mommy”. She has almost (in some cases entirely) lost her identity. I used to coach cheerleading (fuck you) and was exchanging email addresses with a mom of one of my cheerleaders. It occurred to me I didn’t know her first name. When she handed me a paper with her email address on it, it was firstname.lastname@example.org. I still don’t know her first name. Who needs one? You’re mommy now.
Gen X Mom feels the need to have “mommy” friends. And yes, she calls them “mommy friends”. Whatever happened to just having friends? When I was a kid, my mom didn’t hang out with my friends’ parents, and I didn’t hang out with my mom’s friends’ kids. Now you see women terminate friendships because they can’t be mommy friends with someone who didn’t breastfeed or who doesn’t discipline the same way. Oh, and they don’t just hang out with mommy friends; they have play dates! The fuck? When did play dates become a thing?
Gen X Mom doesn’t have time for non-mommies. If you’re not a mommy yourself, say good bye to your friends once Junior arrives. They’ll make time for their mommy friends but not for you, spinster. Case in point? I’m available to go to dinner and/or coffee every single day of the week. I’m not exactly drowning in invitations. I once saw on an episode of Scrubs that the friend without the kids should make more of the effort to carry the friendship. And I considered that for about two weeks. Then I realized that’s baloney. It’s for the best, as I’d probably only get to hear about kids and her severe lack of mommy friends on these nonexistent coffee dates.
I know, I know…my friends with kids will read this and be hurt about our lack of coffee dates, right? Bull. They’re too busy to read a non-mommy blog. (With one or two exceptions :)
My friend is getting married in September, and as I am now newly engaged, she gave me a piece of advice: Do NOT attend a bridal show.
True to form, I ignored this. Mostly because my mom wanted to go, and it’s been 13 years since one of her kids got married. In no way did I think I’d enjoy it, but I didn’t know I’d detest the entire experience from depths I didn’t know I had. Oy and vey.
For starters, they hand out stickers. They say “Bride!”, “Groom!”, “Mom!” or “Bride’s Entourage”. I managed to avoid getting a sticker. And gals? Why on God’s green Earth would you make the groom come with? I hope when you got home he beat you about the head and neck. And not a court in the land would convict him. You had that coming.
It hit me that these bridal shows are kid stuff. It was a bunch of twenty-somethings and their girlfriends having a giggly time. It was uber crowded, and these ditzes would just stand there in the middle of what should’ve been flowing foot traffic texting and talking on the phone. MOVE! And on another note regarding crowd control, can I get a big fat WTF for all the dagnab strollers? Sweet shit, ladies! Let junior stay at home. With the groom.
Another challenge was that bridal shows are in direct conflict with my chronic cheapness. I love doing crafts and hate spending money, so I’m planning to do all my own invitations, centerpieces, flowers, and favors. So there was no need for me to look at any booth that was peddling that overpriced gunk. Let’s be honest: I was in it for the cake samples. And to my dismay, there weren’t that many.
I think the only big concern I’ll have during the wedding planning process is finding a photographer. For starters, the price range on a decent one goes from robbery to anal rape. And what’s with the effing artsy crap? Oh, here’s a picture of the ring on a rose petal. Here’s a shot of the back of the wedding party in silhouette. And here’s a shot of the bride’s shoes in a tree. WHO THE EFF WOULD BUY THOSE? I’ve never gone into anyone’s home and seen a framed 8x10 of the bride’s foot. When my sister got married, the photographer actually had her sit down on concrete for a picture. I’d have kindly told him to go fuck himself. Hard.
But of all the people there I wanted to punch, the worst of it goes to the chick who was wearing a tank top that said “I got one!” and it showed a bride dragging a groom. Because implying that finding a spouse is a hunt and men must be dragged toward commitment is hilarious. Except that it isn’t.
I’m actively seeking admissions of stupidity. Did you ever think, say, or do something completely stupid? I don’t mean that time you wore stripes with plaid, but a time when you were the only one on the planet who didn’t know something? I think we’ve all had a few of those moments, and in the spirit of full stupidity disclosure, here are some of mine.
When I was a kid, I thought the word Boeing was an adjective that meant something along the lines of “large” or “sprawling”. Why? Because I only heard the word used to describe planes. “This aircraft is a Boeing 737”. Yes, it’s a large, sprawling 737.
This one is bad. Recently (as in 2012 recently) I learned you get better gas mileage if you use premium gas.
I was in college when I learned that when 37 degrees feels like 25 degrees, it’s because of the wind chill factor. Not the windshield factor. Yeah, that one didn’t even make sense.
The one-wheeled object people sometimes use when doing yard work is a wheelbarrow. Not a wheelbarrel.
I just learned last year that the guy from the All-State commercials is Pedro Serrano from Major League. I’ve seen that movie at least 50 times.
Maybe these aren’t so bad, or maybe they’re more sad than funny, but they are my shows of stupidity. And now I encourage you to share as well. Don’t be shy! Own your stupid, and share it here.
I had 15 seconds of fame, and it was all I dreamed it would be. This past weekend, I was retweeted by Dr. Drew. Here’s the set up along with more reasons why you may be stupid. I’m hoping any of my friends who read this babble will give me a big, fat eye roll and say “Of course we know what a doctor is, you patronizing weirdo.”
I’ve always been irritated by people who don’t know what a doctor is. A lot of people who are into natural foods speak of medical doctors as evil because all they do is prescribe and not tell people to alter their diets. Well of course they do. They are not doctors of food and nutrition; they are doctors of medicine. Usually when you see a doctor, you’re beyond the “change your diet” part of your illness.
I first learned in grade school that you could become a doctor of anything. We had a substitute teacher who had an Ed. D. (Doctor of Education), and told us to refer to her as Dr. Smith. She explained how she was different from a doctor you’d see when you’re sick. Then when I was nine, I started suffering from tension headaches. Some brilliant quack convinced my mom I might be suffering from stress (nine!) and told her to take me to a psychologist. I sat in front of this guy, and he said “I’m a psychologist. Do you know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist?” And I answered “You can’t prescribe medicine.” I have a vague memory of him being puzzled that I knew that. (Nine!)
Recently, some angry person on Twitter posted that Dr. Drew is, in fact, not a real psychologist. He’s just a “poser”. Oh, angry tweeters. Have the common decency to spread your lunacy in a blog where only your friends are reading. (PS: Hi guys!)
Dr. Drew is an MD. He’s been on the radio doing Loveline since 1983. He also still has a medical practice and sees patients. He’s a board-certified physician and addiction medicine specialist. Yes, he can write a prescription. This woman’s ignorance of Dr. Drew’s credentials inspired me to tweet this:
“Someone accused @drdrew of “posing” as a psychologist. Does it make anyone else want to cry when people don’t know what an MD is?”
Dr. Drew is neither posing nor a psychologist. I thought it was an obvious joke. Then there were responses:
“Actually, he’s an MD and a psychologist would have PhD.” Yeah, we’re saying the same thing, dumbass. Only I said it better.
“Well Dr. Phil isn’t a doctor anymore, he lost his license”. I don’t know what kind of license Dr. Phil had, whether or not he lost it, or what he has to do with my tweet, but you don’t lose a PhD. So he’s a doctor. He’s never been an MD, and he’s never claimed to be one.
UGH! No one got the joke! I always said if I ever got noticed on Twitter, I would ignore all the angry people. So I didn’t reply to any of them. Instead I just stewed until I had to blog about it. I suspect this blog keeps me from punching babies.
The silver lining of being retweeted to 2.6 million tweeps is that though the general public didn’t get the joke, Dr. Drew did. And I may be a little presumptuous here, but I think he and I are now best friends. #KerryDrewBFF
Bless Pinterest! It has brought out the delusional in chicks yet again!
I’ve read a few pieces online (like this one) that talk about how Pinterest is going to create a phenomenon of cookie-cutter weddings. And if you clicked on that link, you learned that the author believes this could “wreck” the bride’s big day. She actually wrote “wreck”! Heh.
It can’t be that I am the only one who noticed that every wedding in the history of weddings has been identical to every other wedding in the history of weddings. Brides, you’re not that delusional, are you?
Since graduating college, I’ve been to about 20 weddings. I’ve been in five. (Seven total, but five since college). And since I can’t say “ALL WEDDINGS” without some fool responding to say “Um, actually at my wedding we did blah blah blah”, I’ll say 90% of these weddings were the same almost to the letter.
In the late 90s/early 00s, every wedding played Shania Twain’s “From this Moment”. Sleeveless or spaghetti-strap floor-length bridesmaids gowns must’ve been written into law (solid colors only!). A few years into the new century, strapless dresses became the mandate much to the chagrin of this serial bridesmaid. And in the last 5-7 years, I’ve seen countless dances to “Butterfly Kisses” and “In My Daughter’s Eyes”. Shania, however, has since been replaced with that broken-road song. (Don’t know who sings it; too lazy to look it up) And after these tearjerkers, we’d all dance to “Celebration” and “We Are Family”. I even went to three weddings that had the same DJ. He made the same jokes at each wedding. The three grooms were related and therefore had the same family. The family politely laughed at the jokes as if hearing them for the first time. Each wedding was pretty much a mirror image of the last.
And that’s ok. In fact, those things seemed almost a tradition. Like the garter toss.
My concern is this: Do chicks think they’re being unique? And that other brides are stealing your uniqueness from Pinterest?
Girls, you know you had the same wedding as everyone else, right? Programs? Canon in D? I Corinthians? Some sort of candy party favor? Centerpieces that you probably stressed about but couldn’t pick out of a lineup today? And then you lived happily ever after with your son Jaden/Hayden/Aidan/Braden/Caden and your daughter Madison/Addison.
People like the same shit. The northwest part of metro Phoenix screams this fact. Every house is almost identical. If I had a wedding, I’m sure Jordan almonds and the Electric Slide would be involved. And I’m not annoyed by everyone liking the same shit as much as I’m annoyed to learn that people believed they were being different. Maybe chicks just have tunnel-vision.
Whatever the reason, let’s not blame Pinterest for cookie-cutter weddings when they’re already the norm. One wedding doesn’t have to be bigger and better than the next. Don’t go bat-shit because another bride had the same ribbon on her favors. This doesn’t “wreck” the wedding. Take comfort in knowing that no one gives a shit about that stuff. The bride is the only one who has to like the stupid wedding.
The groom does not give a rip.
Hooray! There is a new trend in chick stupidity! And it’s being driven by social media. Oh ladies, thank goodness you continue to provide me with material.
The local radio guys were taking calls this week from women who were planning their wedding on Pinterest.
Stupid? No. But these women weren’t engaged.
Stupid? We’re getting there. These women didn’t even have boyfriends.
Stupid? Unless I can come up with a stronger word to describe stupidity, then yes, stupid.
I was going to rant fantastic about how these women don’t even know whether or not shabby chic or mason jars will be in by the time some fool marries them, but then I realized that would only be funny to those of us on Pinterest. So instead I’ll rant regular about how your desperate singleness begets desperate singleness.
(Please read the following aloud while screaming)
Seriously gals? You realize you’re stockpiling ideas for a wedding reception that you’ll have with a guy you haven’t met yet? I sure hope you didn’t look in the mirror this morning and wonder why you’re still single. Because that, and the wedding dress you’ve got adhered to the vision board near your mirror, might just be a reason. Oh, and next time you’re on a date with a new potential fiancé, I just dare ya to lead with “So I was picking out wedding cakes on Pinterest today” and see if that guy would even be willing to receive oral from you. Was all that a little too harsh sounding? Let me put it plainly: You sound fucking insane. And if you’ve already bought the dress, I want you 5150ed.
I tell people the true test of whether or not you’ve found the right person to marry is if you’d be willing to do it without the wedding. Chill out, I’m not saying you have to. But would you if that’s what he wanted? Or if you got a gold band instead of a large diamond? *Gasp!* Just think about why you want to get married. Is it possible you just want the wedding and not the husband?
For the record, I fucking love that mason jars are in.