Chicks are Stupid

My friend is getting married in September, and as I am now newly engaged, she gave me a piece of advice: Do NOT attend a bridal show. 

True to form, I ignored this.  Mostly because my mom wanted to go, and it’s been 13 years since one of her kids got married.  In no way did I think I’d enjoy it, but I didn’t know I’d detest the entire experience from depths I didn’t know I had.  Oy and vey.

For starters, they hand out stickers.  They say “Bride!”, “Groom!”, “Mom!” or “Bride’s Entourage”.  I managed to avoid getting a sticker.  And gals?  Why on God’s green Earth would you make the groom come with?  I hope when you got home he beat you about the head and neck.  And not a court in the land would convict him.  You had that coming.

It hit me that these bridal shows are kid stuff.  It was a bunch of  twenty-somethings and their girlfriends having a giggly time.  It was uber crowded, and these ditzes would just stand there in the middle of what should’ve been flowing foot traffic texting and talking on the phone.  MOVE!  And on another note regarding crowd control, can I get a big fat WTF for all the dagnab strollers?  Sweet shit, ladies!  Let junior stay at home. With the groom.   

Another challenge was that bridal shows are in direct conflict with my chronic cheapness.  I love doing crafts and hate spending money, so I’m planning to do all my own invitations, centerpieces, flowers, and favors.  So there was no need for me to look at any booth that was peddling that overpriced gunk.  Let’s be honest: I was in it for the cake samples.  And to my dismay, there weren’t that many. 

I think the only big concern I’ll have during the wedding planning process is finding a photographer.  For starters, the price range on a decent one goes from robbery to anal rape.  And what’s with the effing artsy crap?  Oh, here’s a picture of the ring on a rose petal.  Here’s a shot of the back of the wedding party in silhouette. And here’s a shot of the bride’s shoes in a tree.  WHO THE EFF WOULD BUY THOSE?  I’ve never gone into anyone’s home and seen a framed 8x10 of the bride’s foot.  When my sister got married, the photographer actually had her sit down on concrete for a picture.  I’d have kindly told him to go fuck himself.  Hard. 

But of all the people there I wanted to punch, the worst of it goes to the chick who was wearing a tank top that said “I got one!” and it showed a bride dragging a groom.  Because implying that finding a spouse is a hunt and men must be dragged toward commitment is hilarious.  Except that it isn’t. 

Bless Pinterest!  It has brought out the delusional in chicks yet again!

I’ve read a few pieces online (like this one) that talk about how Pinterest is going to create a phenomenon of cookie-cutter weddings.  And if you clicked on that link, you learned that the author believes this could “wreck” the bride’s big day.  She actually wrote “wreck”! Heh.

It can’t be that I am the only one who noticed that every wedding in the history of weddings has been identical to every other wedding in the history of weddings.  Brides, you’re not that delusional, are you?

Since graduating college, I’ve been to about 20 weddings.  I’ve been in five.  (Seven total, but five since college).  And since I can’t say “ALL WEDDINGS” without some fool responding to say “Um, actually at my wedding we did blah blah blah”, I’ll say 90% of these weddings were the same almost to the letter. 

In the late 90s/early 00s, every wedding played Shania Twain’s “From this Moment”.  Sleeveless or spaghetti-strap floor-length bridesmaids gowns must’ve been written into law (solid colors only!).  A few years into the new century, strapless dresses became the mandate much to the chagrin of this serial bridesmaid.  And in the last 5-7 years, I’ve seen countless dances to “Butterfly Kisses” and “In My Daughter’s Eyes”.  Shania, however, has since been replaced with that broken-road song. (Don’t know who sings it; too lazy to look it up) And after these tearjerkers, we’d all dance to “Celebration” and “We Are Family”.  I even went to three weddings that had the same DJ.  He made the same jokes at each wedding.  The three grooms were related and therefore had the same family.  The family politely laughed at the jokes as if hearing them for the first time.  Each wedding was pretty much a mirror image of the last.

And that’s ok. In fact, those things seemed almost a tradition.  Like the garter toss.

My concern is this: Do chicks think they’re being unique?  And that other brides are stealing your uniqueness from Pinterest?

Girls, you know you had the same wedding as everyone else, right?  Programs? Canon in D? I Corinthians? Some sort of candy party favor? Centerpieces that you probably stressed about but couldn’t pick out of a lineup today?  And then you lived happily ever after with your son Jaden/Hayden/Aidan/Braden/Caden and your daughter Madison/Addison.

People like the same shit.  The northwest part of metro Phoenix screams this fact.  Every house is almost identical.  If I had a wedding, I’m sure Jordan almonds and the Electric Slide would be involved. And I’m not annoyed by everyone liking the same shit as much as I’m annoyed to learn that people believed they were being different.  Maybe chicks just have tunnel-vision.

Whatever the reason, let’s not blame Pinterest for cookie-cutter weddings when they’re already the norm.  One wedding doesn’t have to be bigger and better than the next.  Don’t go bat-shit because another bride had the same ribbon on her favors.  This doesn’t “wreck” the wedding. Take comfort in knowing that no one gives a shit about that stuff.  The bride is the only one who has to like the stupid wedding.

The groom does not give a rip.